


It’s Killing Me to Love You

by kyuthighs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, But with a happy ending, M/M, Mentions of Death, Unrequited Love, Vampires, Very brief Minseok/Yixing, Yixing’s cat, but then requited?, mentions of minor character death, well here it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 21:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20982377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyuthighs/pseuds/kyuthighs
Summary: For humans, unrequited love only felt like death.For vampires, it felt like death because itwas.





	It’s Killing Me to Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This work was written for the Xingdae Fic Fest (Round 1) organized by Xingdae Café.
> 
> Prompt #19011
> 
> Hello. Wow this was something ahah. Thank you to mod for being so kind with me, it’s finally here! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this kinda angsty xingdae. I made a playlist to go along with it you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/user/redmads21/playlist/3NZnMMT1rSFAnA6otuHQTz?si=c5NPz6DgS06cCqMMQhuVOw 
> 
> The songs are kinda in order of the story so I suggest not shuffling it :>

It was a hot summer night when he first caught a glimpse of Kim Jongdae again for the first time in 20 years. The mass of bodies inside the bar only added to the overall heat. Yixing could see the sweat dripping down Jongdae’s neck like the condensation on beer glasses. He looked the same. Older, yes, but still undeniably Jongdae. The same curling smile made his dark eyes crinkle at the corners. The same smile that had been directed at Yixing so many times. As Yixing watched him, Jongdae laughed, the same joyful sound transporting Yixing twenty years into the past. 

The last time Yixing had seen Jongdae was when he was eight years old. It was summer then too. Yixing remembers the stifling heat, the way his warm tears felt cool against his sunburnt cheeks. That summer day, Jongdae hadn’t been looking at Yixing as Yixing was taken away from his home, his friends, his Jongdae. 

Tonight, in the bar packed with pulsing bodies, Jongdae isn’t looking at Yixing either. Yixing supposes it’s for the best that they don’t reunite tonight. Even if he were to look over and catch Yixing’s eye, he’s not sure Jongdae would recognize him. Twenty years is a long time for a human, and Yixing has changed a lot.

Twenty years ago, Yixing and Jongdae were the same. They both liked to run barefoot down the street, liked to stain their mouths red from cherry popsicles, liked to feed the neighborhood cats even though the aunties told them not to. They would walk to and from school together, always getting home late because they just had to play some games on the way. Jongdae always had the best ideas for games, and Yixing was always willing to do whatever Jongdae wanted. 

Twenty years ago, they were the same and they were inseparable. 

Then, as quickly as a summer breeze came and went, Yixing’s family told him they were leaving. He didn’t even get to say goodbye to Jongdae. He was only able to watch out of the back window of the car that was taking him from all he knew as they passed Jongdae sitting on the sidewalk, two cherry popsicles in his hand as he waited for Yixing. 

Now Yixing watches from his corner seat at the bar as Jongdae laughs at something his companion said and takes a sip from his drink. Yixing follows his throat’s movement and is reminded of why he came to this bar tonight. It’s been weeks, and Yixing couldn’t ignore his thirst any longer. He observes Jongdae for a few more moments, ignoring the way he wants to walk up to him, before pushing himself off the bar stool and making his way to the dancefloor.

He allows his body to relax as he walks, smirking when he notices a few heads turn towards him in interest. Yixing has his eyes on a man with black hair and a well defined build in the middle of moving bodies. He’d noticed the man watching him throughout the night, and Yixing knew he was the one. His cat-like eyes stare straight into Yixing’s own, and Yixing maneuvers his way towards him. 

Warm bodies press against Yixing as he works his way through the crowd. He can feel their pulses beat in the hot air. He can smell their sweat, their alcohol laced breath, their lust, their blood. They almost overwhelm his senses, but the sharp eyes keep him focused. When he gets to the stranger, Yixing immediately feels hands burn their print onto his waist. 

“Glad you joined me,” the man says, “I’ve been eyeing you all night.”

Yixing is sure a lot of people have been. Probably not all for the same reason. He lets a corner of his mouth turn up nonetheless. 

“I’ve been watching a lot of people.” He says swaying to the music. “You’re the only one who really caught my attention though.” 

A lie.

“Well this just seems to have worked out for the both of us then.” 

The man presses himself closer to Yixing, and Yixing can feel the willingness radiating off of him. He could sense it earlier - it’s why he made his way over in the first place. 

There were a few humans who had a second sense about this kind of thing. They could look at Yixing and just know. Know what he was and what he was looking for. They accepted it. Welcomed it. This stranger wasn’t hiding the fact that he knew at all. Not hiding that he wants it. 

They move together for a few songs, hands hot on each other. The man can move, Yixing will give him that. The way he lets his hands roam and hips sway makes Yixing thirsty for more than just a drink. 

After the third song ends, Yixing lets himself be dragged out of the club by the hand. Anticipation courses through Yixing’s body as the warm night air hits his skin. Away from the mass of pulsing bodies, he can distinguish the man’s scent more clearly. His mouth waters. 

“I’m Minseok, by the way,” the man introduces while hailing a cab. 

“Yixing.”

“I hope you don’t find me too forward,” Minseok says as he pulls open the cab door, “but I think we’d both rather do this at my place instead of that dirty alley behind the club.”

Yixing gets into the cab after Minseok and answers after the driver receives the address. “I’ll go wherever you’re most comfortable.”

Minseok’s mouth turns up into a grin and he places a hand on Yixing’s thigh. “Ah.. Maybe I should make you pay for a 5 star hotel then?”

Yixing lets out a small chuckle. He likes this guy. 

“But there’s nowhere better than home right?” 

Yixing hasn’t felt at home in 20 years. Now’s not the time for that though.

“I guess not.” Minseok removes his hand from his thigh and pulls out his phone. “Just have to tell my roommate to sleep somewhere else tonight.” He fires off a quick text. 

Yixing feels a bit bad for the roommate, but not bad enough to suggest anything else. All traces of pity leave as Minseok puts his hand back on Yixing’s thigh. All traces of pretty much any thought leave as he gives it a promise filled squeeze. Yixing has to count to ten. It really has been a while. 

Thankfully, they pull up to Minseok’s apartment complex before his hand can wander any further. They waste no time in getting up to Minseok’s place, and Yixing has no time to take in the surroundings as Minseok takes full control, all but pushing Yixing towards the presumed direction of the bedroom. His hands and lips are everywhere, and Yixing thinks that Minseok might be more desperate for this than he is himself. In no time at all, Yixing is sitting on the bed with a lapful of Minseok. 

Yixing finally lets his hands roam. Finally gives Minseok what he’s been giving. 

Before Yixing knows it, their clothes are off and Minseok is leaning into Yixing’s body, hands grasping his shoulders as he asks for what Yixing has been hoping to hear all night. 

“Will you please just  _ bite me already _ .” Minseok says, dark eyes staring into Yixing’s conveying just how much he wants this. 

“Are you sure?” Still, Yixing asks. He always has to ask. 

“I’ve wanted your teeth on my neck since I realized what you were in the club.” Minseok admits. “Now,  _ bite me and drink _ .”

That’s all Yixing needs to hear. He brushes his lips against Minseok’s neck, feels the way he shudders on top of him. His lips part as his fangs come out, lets them graze Minseok’s skin, and he pauses one last time, just in case. Minseok’s hands pull roughly on Yixing’s hair. Yixing interprets that as  _ ‘Hurry up or I’ll literally find a way to kill you right now.’  _

Yixing sinks his fangs into the tender flesh of Minseok’s neck and Minseok groans above him. Warm blood gushes into Yixing’s mouth, and he’s groaning along with Minseok. He drinks up the thick, rich liquid, already feeling better than he has in weeks. It flows into him and it doubles his senses. Every noise Minseok makes echoes in his ears. Every place their bodies touch burns. He drinks until Minseok taps him on the shoulder, and then he pulls away, licking the bite to seal it. 

Minseok leans back, chest heaving. “While that was great, if you don’t mind, I don’t think I’m quite done with you yet.” 

That’s just fine with Yixing, he doesn’t have anywhere to be until morning anyway. So he stays. He makes sure to leave before Minseok’s roommate comes home. He doesn’t leave his number. He never does. 

-

The next time Yixing sees Jongdae, it’s in the 24 hour convenience store down the street from Yixing’s apartment. Yixing had gone to give his cat some food, only to realize he was out. Not wanting to face her meowing wrath, Yixing slipped on his shoes and headed out. He’s standing in the aisle, trying to remember which food he usually buys, when a small figure bumps into him, jostling Yixing from his intense concentration.

“Oh,” the person says in a voice that sounds vaguely familiar, “I’m sorry. I should watch where I’m walking.”

Yixing turns, and if his heart wasn’t already permanently still, it would have frozen. There before him stood Jongdae in an oversized hoodie and pajama pants. His hair is ruffled and his eyes are sleepy. All Yixing can do is stare. There’s no bustling club to hide him, no mass of bodies he can escape to this time. 

“Uh,” he eloquently says, “It's okay.”

Jongdae studies Yixing. Yixing can see his mind trying to piece together something.

“You look really familiar.” Jongdae says. “You  _ seem _ really familiar. Do we know each other?”

Yixing wants to say “You were my entire childhood and even though it’s been 20 years you’re still one of the most important people to ever be in my life.” But he doesn’t. He can’t. He’s afraid. Afraid of reconnecting. Afraid of Jongdae finding out that he’s a vampire now and hasn’t aged since 22. Afraid of Jongdae being disgusted with him. 

“Um…” He helpfully supplies. 

Jongdae squints at him but then shakes his head. “Sorry. I’m probably really weirding you out right now.” He smiles sheepishly. “There’s just something about you… my bad though. Have a good night.”

“It’s alright. You have a nice night too.” Yixing gives a small smile back before he can stop himself. 

Jongdae’s eyes light up in recognition. Yixing wants to curse his dimples. 

“Zhang Yixing?” Jongdae asks excitedly.

“Yeah? That’s me?” Yixing tries to pretend like he didn’t instantly recognize Jongdae. 

“Yixing!” Jongdae all but shouts, forgetting they’re in the middle of a convenience store at almost midnight. “It’s me! Jongdae!”

_ I know. How could forget you? _ Yixing wants to say. 

“Jongdae?” Yixing pretends to be shocked. “Kim Jongdae? Cherry popsicles Kim Jongdae?” 

Jongdae is absolutely beaming now, and Yixing doesn’t know why on earth he didn’t want Jongdae to recognize him when he’s literally radiating pure happiness at the connection. 

“That’s me!” 

“Wow.” Yixing says. “It’s been so long.”

“Yeah, like what? 20 years?” Jongdae says. 

_ 20 years exactly as of this summer,  _ Yixing thinks. 

“Wow. That long, huh?” Yixing pretends not to know. “You look great.” He adds before he can stop himself. It’s not a lie. 

Jongdae’s eyes crinkle even further if possible. “Thanks. You look good too. What’s your skincare secret? You look so young, I’m jealous.” He jokes. 

Yixing doesn’t find it funny. He’s glad he can’t sweat. 

“Lots of water.” Blood. “Proper sleep.” That I don’t need. “Moisturize twice a day.” Actual good advice. 

Jongdae laughs and the sound is music to Yixing’s ears. “I’ll keep those tips in mind.” He smiles softly at Yixing. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good.” Except for one little thing. “Just, you know, going about life. What about you?”

“That’s good to hear.” Jongdae says. “I’m doing good. Just moved in with my friend here about three months ago, so.”

“That’s good.” Yixing says awkwardly resisting the urge to shuffle his feet. 

“Yeah,” Jongdae says steering the conversation to it’s end. “Oh, by the way, that brand is the best for cats.” He says pointing to a specific bag and shrugging. “Just a friendly tip.” 

“Oh. Thanks. My cat only likes one type though, I’m trying to remember which one.”

“Ahh, I see. What’s your cat’s name?”

“Uh…” Yixing scratches the back of his neck, “She doesn’t really have a name. I just always call her ‘cat’.”

Jongdae laughs and a fond expression makes its way to his face. “‘Cat.’” He repeats. “You haven’t changed one bit, Zhang Yixing.” He shakes his head. “I’ll see you around hopefully?”

Yixing swallows. “Yeah. See you.”

Jongdae leaves him with the various bags of cat food and his own thoughts. If only Jongdae knew just how much Yixing had changed. Would he still hope to see him around?

-

The third time Yixing sees Jongdae again is at 4am in the local park. This time, he’s the one to approach the other. 

“Jongdae?” He calls out into the early morning even though he knows for a fact it is Jongdae. 

Jongdae whips his head around at the sound, obviously startled. Yixing can see his eyes squint to try and make out Yixing’s figure in the dark. Yixing moves closer to help Jongdae’s eyes. 

“Yixing?” Jongdae asks.

“Yeah, it’s me.” He answers, moving to sit on the swing next to Jongdae. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” 

Yixing shrugs. “This is where I come when I can’t sleep.” 

“Can’t sleep often?”

“Yeah you could say that.” Yixing says. “Why are  _ you  _ out here?”

Jongdae sighs. “Was out at a club with my roommate. He left with some guy so I figured I’d better not go home.” 

Yixing frowns. “Don’t you have any place to go?” 

“Mmm, not really.”

Yixing’s frown deepens. “So you just stay out here all night? That’s dangerous.”

“It’s not a big deal. He doesn’t do it often.” He shrugs. “Plus I like being out here at night. It’s peaceful. And I like the stars.” They both look up at the small spattering of dull lights. “Even if they aren’t as bright as the ones from where we grew up.”

Yixing turns his gaze away from the sky to watch Jongdae. Though the stars are minimal, Jongdae still gazed up at them with the same wonder Yixing remembers from their childhood. 

He swallows at the memories of how they would lay down in the grass of the playground, no blanket or anything, the dirt and grass staining the back of their shirts much to their mothers’ dismay. They would each point out a constellation they recognized from the book Jongdae got for his birthday one year until one of their moms tracked them down and dragged them back home. They would’ve stayed out under the stars all night if the could have. 

Yixing returns his gaze to the sky. The muted stars in the city are a disappointment to his memories. At least the person next to him isn’t. 

Yixing opens his mouth before he can stop himself. “You know you can always crash at my place when your roommate does this.” 

Jongdae turns to look at him. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He says. “I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but I know you. I don’t think you’ve changed much either. Plus, my conscious just can’t let you be alone outside all night. Think of the dangers.” 

Yixing ignored the dangers and that’s how he ended up like this. 

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Jongdae says. 

“It’s no problem.” Yixing stands up. “Come on. You can at least get a few hours of sleep on my couch.”

Jongdae stands as well. “Lead the way.” 

It’s not a far walk to Yixing’s apartment and they spend it in silence, content to just let the sounds of the night fill the space between them. Neither of them have ever been the type to need to fill silence with sound. 

Yixing’s cat greets them at the door. She meows upon seeing the newcomer, demanding attention which Jongdae willingly provides. Yixing smiles as Jongdae scoops her up. He looks just like he did when they were younger and the neighborhood cats would come trotting up to him. 

“I’ll get you a blanket.” Yixing says while Jongdae coos at the cat. 

He fetches an extra one from the hall closet and puts it on the couch for Jongdae. 

“This is a nice place.” Jongdae says. “It suits you.”

Yixing’s apartment is a simple space. It’s not like he needs much. But there are a few personal things here and there. Some music equipment sits in the corner of the living room. His cat’s stuff takes up most of the room though - her giant cat tree and various toys and beds. Not that she uses the beds. She prefers Yixing’s. 

“Thanks. Make yourself at home.”

“I will.” Jongdae grins. “Just don’t make me pay rent.” 

Yixing rolls his eyes while Jongdae sits on the couch with the cat still in his arms. He looks like he belongs there. 

“Thanks again for letting me crash here.” Jongdae says. “You really didn’t have to. I know we aren’t as close as we used to be.”

“Of course I had to.” Yixing counters. “I don’t care about the time between us. I wasn’t going to let you stay outside until morning. Besides, it’s nice having you around again.”

“Yeah?” Jongdae asks sounding a bit shy. 

“Yeah.” Yixing reassures him. “I kind of missed you. I mean. We never even got to say bye.”

Jongdae’s hand on Yixing’s cat stills. His eyes look sad and faraway. 

“What even happened?” Jongdae asks. 

“Can we save that story for another day?” Yixing says. “I’d rather not get into it right now, sorry.”

“Of course, I’m sorry I brought it up. You don’t even have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Yixing shakes his head. “No, I want to tell you. Leaving you like that has always been one of the things I want to fix. But we both need to get some sleep probably.”

“Alright, true.” Jongdae says. “Another time then.”

“Another time.” Yixing promises. 

“Well, goodnight? Good morning? Whatever works for whatever time it is.” Jongdae says, diffusing the slightly heavy atmosphere their conversation turned into. 

“I think goodnight is appropriate. My door is the one on the right.” Yixing says. “Just knock if you need anything.” 

“Okay, I will. Thanks again.”

“Stop thanking me, it’s not necessary.” Yixing says firmly. “Night, Jongdae.”

“Night, Yixing.”

His cat hops off Jongdae’s lap as she sees Yixing going towards his room. Yixing hears the disappointed sound come from Jongdae and represses his smile. He lets his cat into his room and closes the door behind him. He grabs a book from the shelf and settles down. He has plenty of time to kill before he “wakes up” at a reasonable time. His cat curls down at his feet, happy to sleep in his presence. Yixing tries to follow the plot of the book and ignore the way he can hear Jongdae’s heart and slow breaths from the living room.

He hears Jongdae start to stir around 8:30. A part of Yixing wants to make his way out, but a larger part of him is a coward that wants to stay until Jongdae is gone. Thirty minutes later, Yixing hears the front door open and close. He finally gets up, his cat mewing in protest. His apartment is now empty, the blanket Jongdae used is folded neatly on the couch. There’s a piece of paper sitting on top it.

_ Yixing, _

_ Sorry I had to leave so early but I had to get going. Wish I could have stayed to catch up some more. I hope I didn’t wake you when I left. You looked like you needed the sleep so I tried to keep quiet. _

_ Hope you don’t mind but I tried raiding your kitchen. You need to go shopping by the way, but I’m sure you know that already.  _

_ Thanks again for letting me use your couch. It’s a nice couch. 10/10 would sleep on it again.  _

_ Here’s my number. Text me so we can catch up properly :) _

  * __Jongdae :3__

Yixing smiles and scratches his cat’s head when she jumps on top the the folded blanket.

“Don’t worry, cat, he’ll be back and he’ll give you plenty of scratches.”

She purrs.

-

After the night in the park, it seems like Yixing sees Jongdae everywhere. Yes, they had taken to texting each other and had spent some time together after that, but outside of the planned meetings, Yixing was always running into Jongdae whether it was when Yixing was buying more cat food or selecting some new albums from the record shop or browsing the shelves of his favorite bookshop. Yixing feels like he’s eight again with how much he sees Jongdae. He wishes he  _ was _ eight again. Eight year old Yixing didn’t have to hide anything from Jongdae. Eight year old Yixing wasn’t afraid of Jongdae completely rejecting and hating him for who he was.

Throughout the course of a couple of months, Jongdae had seamlessly inserted himself back into Yixing’s life. It was as if they had never been separated. The hot summer nights gave way to the cooler evenings of autumn. Yixing no longer saw sweat collecting at the base of Jongdae’s neck, now he focused on the rosy flush the crisp air brought to Jongdae’s cheeks. 

More often than not, they find themselves in Yixing’s apartment just enjoying each other’s company. They choose Yixing’s apartment because it’s closer to their favorite park, and they don’t have to worry about getting in the way of Jongdae’s roommate. Plus, Jongdae very obviously loves Yixing’s cat. Yixing knows the feeling is mutual.

It’s through these simple moments spent together that Yixing finds himself falling. It’s a new experience for Yixing, and it sort of terrifies him. He hasn’t let himself get close to anyone since he was turned. Fear has always stopped him. But Jongdae makes him feel safe. Just like he always has. 

It’s after Yixing finally tells Jongdae why he left all those years ago that he finally falls completely. 

“It was my grandmother,” Yixing says while Jongdae has the cat on his lap and a book in his hand.

“Your grandmother?” Jongdae asks, looking up from the pages.

“Why me and my family suddenly left back then.” Yixing explains. Jongdae closes the book.

“She was sick. Really sick.” The multitude of years that have gone by haven’t been able to diminish the images of his frail grandmother in her final moments. They flash through his mind now and they hurt no less than they did twenty years ago. “It hit her suddenly and hard. By the time they realized what was wrong, it was too late for her.”

The apartment is completely silent besides Jongdae’s heart beat and Yixing’s own voice.

“They didn’t know how much time she had left, only that it wasn’t much. So, my parents made the decision to move back to China with me so we could be with her again for however long we could be. They were going to get everything in order first, but then they got a call from her doctor saying it was an emergency and that it could be any day now. They booked the first flight available. They didn’t tell me anything.” 

Jongdae’s warm hand rests on Yixing’s from where they sit beside each other. Yixing gladly takes the comfort.

“I didn’t know what was going on. Why I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to you. If they would’ve just told me I would’ve understood.”

A thumb strokes against the back of Yixing’s hand.

“I was already upset about leaving you behind, and then we land in China and they finally tell me about her on our way to the hospital. I always thought my grandmother was one of the strongest people. I didn’t see her often, but every time I saw her I was in awe of her presence. I was always asking when her next visit would be.”

The cat moves from Jongdae’s lap into Yixing’s, and he buries the hand not taken by Jongdae’s into her fur. 

“The woman I knew wasn’t the one laying in that hospital bed. I mean, she was, but also wasn’t. There wasn’t any of the fire or big laughter that I was used to. She was so… sunken. I started crying and my mother scolded me, telling me not to do that in front of my grandmother. It just made me want to cry harder.”

Yixing finds it hard to drag these memories up, to voice them aloud and relive them, but he wants to tell Jongdae. To give him an explanation even though he knows Jongdae would never demand one. He’s kept silent the entire time, allowing Yixing to speak freely, comforting him with squeezes or brushes of his hand when he feels Yixing needs them. Yixing appreciates it.

“We stayed with her for the night. We were able to say our goodbyes. She wasn’t though. She was so weak she couldn’t even speak. She passed away in the night and I woke up in my mother’s arms as the nurses were wheeling my grandmother’s body away. 

We had the funeral not long after that, and after that was done with and my grandmother was laid to rest, a part of me wanted to ask if that meant we could go back home. I knew I shouldn’t ask that though, and I knew the answer was no.”

Yixing had stopped petting the cat in the middle of his story, and she headbutts him for him to continue. The small action snaps Yixing back into the present.

“Anyway, long story short, we ended up staying in China. My parents had people bring our stuff over from the old house. And well, life continued to happen.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jongdae says and Yixing can tell from his voice that he truly means it.

“You don’t have to be. It’s been a long time.”

“I know, but I can tell it still hurts.”

Yixing looks at Jongdae, and he’s greeted with eyes full of honest emotions. Yixing briefly considers hugging him, wanting to take more comfort from his warm body than just his hand. He doesn't want to push any boundaries though so he stays still. It seems Jongdae feels the same urge though because he’s leaning forward and embracing Yixing. Yixing’s arms automatically wrap around him. Jongdae’s entire being is warm and soft. Right here in Jongdae’s arms is the most at home Yixing has felt in years.

“Thank you for telling me,” Jongdae whispers close to his ear. “You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.” He whispers back.

“I know.”

They stay like that for a few more moments, Jongdae willingly giving Yixing the comfort he wishes for. They pull apart when the cat, who had been squished between them lets out a loud meow and tries to wiggle free. They both chuckle as she huffily hops off the couch and strides over to her food bowl. 

After that, nothing tangible changes between them. Nothing changes at all really except for the way Yixing feels. Jongdae has always been on the forefront of Yixing’s mind for the past several months, but now, it’s as if something has consumed Yixing from the inside and all he can focus on is Jongdae. It’s not a bad thing to focus on, Yixing muses. Jongdae is the sunshine that warms Yixing’s perpetually cold body.

Yixing finds himself needing to feed less and less. And even if he did need to feed, Yixing almost hated it. He would starve himself for longer than he ever had, the thought of biting into some stranger made his stomach curl. He felt like he was betraying Jongdae somehow, despite him not even knowing about Yixing’s feelings nor his nonhuman state. When he did have to break down and feed, the blood of the stranger that flowed into his mouth tasted sour and bitter, and he left wholly unsatisfied. When he was in Jongdae’s presence again, though, it was like all thirst went away. He felt whole again. Being around him wasn’t enough to completely quench Yixing’s needs, but Jongdae took most of the edge off. 

Yixing should have known all good things must come to an end. He just didn’t expect it in this way. Or maybe a part of him did, and that’s why he tried so hard to keep the fact that he was a vampire a secret from Jongdae.

They were once again lounging in Yixing’s apartment on a Friday night, this time an old movie playing on the TV. They were both relaxing on the couch, the cat happily curled up between the two of them when Jongdae’s phone rings. 

“It’s my roommate,” Jongdae says before answering the call. “Hey, Minseok. What’s up?”

Yixing imperceptibly freezes at the familiar name. Surely not?

“Again?” Jongdae sounds exasperated. “This is like the fourth guy this month how many one night stands do you need you horny heathen.” 

Yixing can make out the voice on the other end, and it’s no doubt the same Minseok he had gone home with the night he saw Jongdae at the club.

“They aren't  _ just _ one night stands, Jongdae.” The slightly staticy voice says. “They need to feed, and I am more than willing to let them drink from me.”

Yixing can feel Jongdae stiffen beside him.

“What do you mean ‘ _ feed’,  _ Minseok.” His voice has taken on a strange tone that Yixing doesn’t like one bit.

Minseok scoffs on the other end, “Jongdae come on. Don’t tell me you haven’t realized all the men I bring home are vampires.”

“I can’t believe you.” Jongdae says, “I don’t even know what to say. You  _ know _ what I think about that Minseok, and I don’t want any more of  _ them _ ” he spits it out like its a dirty word, “coming into our home.”

“Stop being like that. They’re just like us, Jongdae. Get over your misconceptions.”

Yixing feels like this is a frequent conversation between them.

“They’re not misconceptions. You know exactly why I think the way I do, and you know I’m right.”

“You’re not right. What happened was terrible, yes, but you can’t let one instance dictate your opinions on a whole group of people.”

“As far as I’m concerned,” Jongdae says, “they aren’t  _ people _ .”

“One day you’re going to realize, Jongdae.” Minseok lets out a heavy sigh . “Anyways, don’t come home tonight.”

“Whatever,” Jongdae huffs, “I’ll stay with Yixing again. Make sure that thing is gone when I come home tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah, Yixing. I want you to remember what I said Jongdae. One day you’re going to realize. Maybe even sooner than you think.” 

Yixing wants to bolt from the room and never come back.

“Anyways, don’t worry. I'll make sure  _ Baekhyun _ is gone in the morning.” The line goes dead, Minseok having hung up.

Jongdae scowls at his phone and turns to Yixing. Yixing hopes his face shows nothing of his inner thoughts. 

“Sorry you had to hear that.” Jongdae apologizes. 

“It’s okay.” Yixing lies.

“I just can’t believe Minseok does this when he  _ knows _ what happened with me.”

Maybe this is where Yixing can figure it out. Where he can understand why Jongdae speaks of his mind with such venom lacing his tone. 

“Do you mind me asking,” Yixing starts slowly, “but what happened? Why do you hate vampires so much?”

Jongdae’s entire demeanor changes. Yixing instantly regrets saying anything. Jongdae is supposed to be an open person, a warm person, a person who shouldn’t know the meaning of the word hate. The Jongdae who sits in front of him now isn’t that. He’s cold. Closed off. Tension lines his entire body and there’s a fire in his eyes that Yixing never wants to see again.

“I’d rather not talk about it. Not now. Maybe not ever.” Jongdae says shortly. “Just know that nothing could ever change my mind about those things.”

Yixing feels worse than when he did the night he changed. That night was cold, dark, lonely. It was extremely painful. Every nerve in his body felt like it was being struck by lightning tenfold. It lasted hours. There was no comfort. No reprieve. Nothing. Just him and his silent screams.

Having Jongdae says those words to him, knowing that the man he loved, because yes, he had fallen in love with Jongdae against his better judgement, hated who he was, filled Yixing with an indescribable feeling. He’d rather take a lifetime of the pain from that night than deal with what was happening now. 

“Yixing?” Jongdae asks, his voice softening back to it’s usual tone upon noticing that something was off with Yixing. “Are you okay?”

What was he supposed to say?  _ No I’m not alright because I love you but you hate me on principle. I’m the thing you despise most. And despite knowing you would want nothing to do with me if you knew who I really was, I still can’t help but love you and that is going to literally kill me. _

“I’m fine.” He lies. “I think I just haven’t been getting enough sleep.”

“Oh,” Jongdae says, concerned, reaching out to lightly squeeze Yixing’s hand. The touch burns. “You should get some sleep. I know where everything is I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Yixing says simply, not knowing what else to do. “Goodnight.” He says, getting up from the couch and making his way to his room on autopilot. 

He doesn’t even wait for Jongdae to say it back, quietly closing his door and cutting himself off from his distress. He feels nothing for the rest of the night. Doesn’t think about anything except for Jongdae’s words. He doesn’t want to fixate on them, but he can’t help it. Every time he hears Jongdae move around his apartment, every time he hears Jongdae’s breath or heartbeat, he’s reminded of the harsh words unknowingly directed at him. He doesn’t move an inch until he hears Jongdae leave sometime in the morning. He’s tempted to not move ever again, to let time take him until he’s nothing, but he gets up anyway. He finds a note on top of Jongdae’s blanket much like the first time Jongdae had stayed over.

_ Yixing, _

_ I’m sorry if I ruined our movie night with my phone call with my roommate. I know that’s probably not the way you’re used to seeing me.  _

_ I hope you slept well and are feeling better <3 You were looking pretty bad last night so I hope the next time I see you you look better.  _

_ See you soon,  _

_ Jongdae :3 _

_ PS - You forgot to let the cat into your room with you last night so she had to settle for me. I think she’s mad at you now ;3 _

Yixing hates how the little heart amidst Jongdae’s handwriting still makes his heart skip a metaphorical beat.

Despite what the logical part of Yixing is telling him to do, Yixing continues to see Jongdae like nothing is wrong. He knows one day it will all come crashing down, but Yixing is too stubborn and too in love to let Jongdae go. And with each laugh Jongdae lets loose from his lips, each eyesmile he directs at Yixing, each lingering touch, Yixing only finds himself falling further and deeper into love with him. He hates himself. 

It’s a month after the incident, November has arrived with her frosty air and sharp winds. More often than not the skies are gray, and Yixing can’t help but feel that’s the universe’s way of telling him it’s almost time.

He’s right.

Yixing and Jongdae are spending the afternoon in the park. Yixing can’t feel the cold but he’s wrapped in a scarf anyway. One that Jongdae gifted him when he realized Yixing didn’t have any. Jongdae is bundled up more than Yixing - a thick puffy coat engulfed his slight frame, a pompom hat takes years off his appearance, and his head barely peeks out of the giant scarf wrapped around his neck. It’s the best he’s ever looked in Yixing’s opinion. 

They sit on the swings, lightly swaying back and forth, not talking, just existing. Yixing glances over at Jongdae to find his eyes already on Yixing. Red that has nothing to do with the cold heats up Jongdae’s face as he’s caught staring. Yixing can't take it anymore.

“Jongdae…” He says, throat wanting to close in on itself. “I… have to tell you something.”

Yixing hates the hopeful look in Jongdae’s eyes. He’s just going make them fill with hatred and betrayal soon enough.

“What?”

“I love you.” He hears Jongdae’s heart and breath stutter. 

“I -“ Jongdae begins to say, but Yixing cuts him off before Jongdae can say the words he’ll regret.

“No.” Jongdae’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “No. You can’t say it back. Because you’ll hate yourself for it after I tell you this.” Yixing looks at the ground. He can’t face what Jongdae will look like. “I’ve been lying to you. I’m not… I’m not the Yixing you think I am. I’m not even  _ what _ you think I am. I’m a vampire.” He says quietly but he knows Jongdae can hear him. “I was turned when I was 22. I haven’t aged since then. I haven’t breathed since then. My heart hasn’t beat since then. I’m not  _ human _ , Jongdae.”

“I… What?” Jongdae says. His voice is trembling and Yixing doesn’t know what emotion its from.

“I am a  _ vampire _ . I’m one of the reasons Minseok has told you not to come home before.”

Yixing thinks that hurts Jongdae more than the realization that Yixing is the creature he hates most in the world. Jongdae is on his feet in a second. He’s quickly moving away from Yixing, and the space hurts Yixing.

“You…” It’s like Jongdae can’t believe it, but also he  _ knows.  _ Jongdae swallows and the sound is loud in Yixing’s ears. “You’ve been lying to me? You’re a fucking  _ vampire _ ?” The word is spit out. “You stay away from me.” 

Yixing wants to choke. “Don’t worry. I know you hate me now. But I had to tell you. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I care about you too much.”

“Don’t fucking say that. You things don’t care about anything.”

Yixing shakes his head, but he doesn’t bother trying to defend himself. “I’m sorry. You won’t see me again. I just… want you to be happy okay? And if that means I never get to be close to you again, then so be it.”

“Good.” Jongdae says. “Because I  _ never _ want to have to see you again.”

Jongdae storms off, fury and hatred pouring out of his every step. 

_ Don’t worry _ , Yixing thinks,  _ in a few months time there won’t be even the slightest possibility of you meeting me again. _

Yixing stays there, rooted to the same spot for hours. He doesn’t move when the freezing rain starts. He feels nothing. He doesn’t know how long he stays there. Eventually he does somehow drag himself back into his apartment. He doesn’t care about his sopping wet clothes drenching the carpet. He doesn’t care about anything. He closes himself off in his room. He’ll message an acquaintance of his to come pick up his cat tomorrow. He knows he won’t be able to take care of her.

That’s how Yixing stays for weeks. After his cat had been picked up, he isolates himself. He can feel himself become thirstier and thirstier each passing day. It hurts. It hurts like hell but there’s nothing he can do to fix it. He can feel himself getting weaker, each limb gets heavier and heavier. He wishes it would happen faster - death. For humans, unrequited love only feels like death. For vampires, it’s  _ actual _ death. Jongdae doesn’t love him, probably rightly so Yixing mind tells him, so Yixing’s body begins to break down. 

He lays like that, in pain, for who knows how long. He thinks he gets a visitor once. He vaguely remembers opening the front door, the effort taking everything out of him. He think it was Minseok for some strange reason. Thinks he heard him say “I’m so sorry” but everything is muted so Yixing can’t be sure. It’s a slow process, this death thing. It gives him too much time to think about Jongdae. He wants to stop thinking about Jongdae because that hurts worse than anything. He wants it to be over already. 

He thinks he’s finally close when he registers that someone is entering his room. He thinks he’s finally lost it when he sees Jongdae’s face. He struggles to sit up, not believing his eyes. Jongdae in front of him simultaneously makes him feel better and worse.

“Jongdae?” He croaks out, voice rough from disuse.

Yixing thinks he can see tears in Jongdae’s eyes. 

“Yeah. It’s me.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I…” He starts. “Minseok told me about what’s happening. About what happens when a vampire loves a human who doesn’t love them back. And I can’t let that happen to you. And I’m an idiot, Yixing.” Yixing relishes in the way his name falls from Jongdae’s lips. “These weeks without you… They’ve been the worst weeks of my life.” Yixing can understand that. “And I realized something. You made my life better. You’ve always made my life better. And I was so stupid to think that just because you’re a vampire that changes anything.”

Jongdae moves further into the room and gets on his knees in front of where Yixing sits on the bed. 

“I love you.”

Jongdae looks into Yixing’s eyes and Yixing can see  _ everything _ . 

“And I don’t want to love you,” Jongdae admits, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, “Not because I hate you, or any of the misconceptions and unfair prejudices and fear of vampires. I don’t want to love you because you deserve something better. You deserve someone who hasn’t hurt you, who hasn’t caused you pain, who hasn’t literally been killing you. But I’m selfish. So I do love you. And I don’t want you to stop loving me, even though it would probably be better if you did.” 

Yixing wants to sob. He’s on the verge, a thick lump clogging his throat. He can feel his eyes sting with phantom tears, and for the first time in weeks, Yixing exists and it doesn’t  _ hurt _ . He wants to reach out and touch Jongdae, to hold his face in his hands, tell him that it’s  _ okay _ . Tell him that no matter what he would  _ always _ love him. Because Yixing was just as selfish as Jongdae. But he doesn’t know if it’s okay to reach out yet. Doesn’t want to move too fast and scare jongdae away. Confession be damned, Yixing wouldn’t do anything until he was absolutely sure Jongdae was okay with it.

For now, he holds his slightly shaking hands back.

“Jongdae,” he begins softly, not quite sure how to articulate all the overwhelming feelings inside his heart. He pauses for a moment, and his hands itch. “Jongdae.” He says again, and Yixing isn’t a religious man. Hasn’t been since the blood in his veins stopped pumping and his heart stopped beating, but he says Jongdae’s name like its a prayer. Yixing’s words fail him and he hopes everything he’s feeling is conveyed through his voice alone. He needs Jongdae to look at him - look in his eyes and see every single thought and emotion swirling underneath Yixing’s skin.

“Jongdae.” Yixing says for the third time prompting Jongdae to  _ finally _ look up and meet his eyes. Jongdae has laid himself bare for Yixing to see. Yixing knows he’s no better. Jongdae’s eyes are filled with unshed tears, dark bags hanging deep beneath them. Objectively he looks awful. To Yixing, he’s beautiful.

“I will never stop loving you. That’s a promise.”

Suddenly the dam breaks, and the tears are falling from Jongdae’s eyes and he’s surging forward. Yixing opens his arms to let him in, and then their lips are meeting in a none too gentle kiss. It’s less of a kiss and more of a culmination of every regret and feeling of desperation conveyed through a press of lips. 

_ Thump. _

Yixing’s hands come up to Jongdae’s face, cradling it in his palms. He holds him softly, a stark contrast to the intensity of the atmosphere.

_ Thump. _

Jongdae tastes like tears. The salt invades Yixing’s senses as he desperately kisses his lips, his cheeks, anywhere and everywhere his lips can get to. 

_ Thump. _

They pull apart, Jongdae breathing hard, and Yixing finds himself a little out of breath too. Yixing rests his forehead against Jongdae’s, simply breathes Jongdae in. 

_ Thump. _

“I am so sorry.” Jongdae says, his hands fisted in Yixing’s shirt. “For everything.”

“It’s alright.” Yixing says even though they both know it’s not miraculously okay. They both know long conversations need to be had and voices need to be heard, but right now, in this moment, alright is enough. 

_ Thump.  _

_ Thump thump.  _

_ Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump.  _

Yixing hasn’t felt his heart beat in ten years. Now it races like it’s making up for all the lost time. Looking down at Jongdae’s face pressed close to his, seeing his wet lashes fan across his cheekbones, the slight red tinge dusting his cheeks, his heart feels like it’s going to swell and explode into a million pieces. 

“I love you.” Jongdae whispers again. 

“And I love you. Forever.” Yixing smiles softly. 

** _Thump_ ** .

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a lot longer but then it got confusing with two POVs so I cut it down. Also some things are never resolved but you’ll figure out why later!! Hehe


End file.
